Goodbye England

“Well, what are you doing here then?” It’s the perennial question I’ve been asked over and over again during the last two years, while I’ve been trying not to live up to the stereotype of Aussie expat living and working in England.

Each time I’ve been asked that question, it has compounded my homesickness – strengthening my cravings for chicken parma, Cheesymite scrolls, Boost Juice, food court sushi, vodka and raspberry, Lebanese cucumbers, The Chaser, Spicks & Specks and most of all: sunshine! – So much so that I began to forget the things I love about Britain.

So before I leave this country, as a reminder to myself – and a reminder to all the people who have put up with my incessant whinging about the cold weather – here is a collection of my favourite British things.

The weather

Hell no, not the actual weather! – But the central role it plays in everyday life in the UK.

The weather is always a safe talking point. It’s impossible to detect if somebody is talking to you about the weather just to fill an awkward silence, or if they are genuinely enthusiastic about the latest forecast from the met. In most cases, I’d put my money on the latter. The weather matters... even when we know that the chances are you'll need your brollie.

The weather is almost always a cause for complaint for the Brits. And I have to agree, most of the time it is rotten.

But snow! I love the snow! If we’re lucky enough to get some snow there will be an hour-long celebration, followed by relentless moaning about bad traffic, icy roads and slushy footpaths.

And, come a sunny day above 18C and suddenly, ‘Oh, it’s roasting… absolutely boiling! I need the air-conditioning.’ – No, I haven’t become sidetracked! I am still on the subject of my favourite British things. I honestly find the whinging pom an endearing character. And, being a bit of a whinger myself, I like that I can complain with the best of them and not get any sideways glances.

Obviously, the whinging about warm weather doesn’t come from the hoards of people who, upon detecting a spot of sunshine, strip down to their underwear and stretch out on the nearest patch of grass… in the hope of turning their orange fake bake brown (pink is a more likely result). I have to admit I was shocked by, and critical of, this crowd in my first British summer. But by the time my second summer came around (and now the third) I joined the crowd and got my legs out, on a small patch of grass, in the sunshine – ‘Just to reduce the glare…’


The High Street

I’m a big fan of the British High Street. Sure, it’s sad that every town looks the same with chain store, after franchise, after chain store – Boots, H&M, Zara, Top Shop, Argos, Tesco Express, Costa, Starbucks, Next, Pizza Express, Wetherspoons, and the list goes on – but some of them I quite like!

If you’re lucky you’ll find the odd boutique thrown in for good measure… but then you’ll probably find it’s too expensive and end up going to a common High Street store anyway! I really like that you can go to a high street store, buy decent and reasonably priced clothes and feel confident that everyone else won’t be wearing the exact same outfit.


The food

Yes really, the food. I've missed the variety of food you get in Australia, but when I think about the British food that I like – as opposed the foreign foods that I miss – there's plenty to like.

I’ve got used to the fact that I can buy a bar of chocolate for 55p, and it seems wrong to eat a sandwich without a packet of crisps (chips to us Aussies) on the side. And ordering in Chinese with chips (hot ones), instead of rice, almost seems like a viable option... It isn’t nearly as funny as it seemed two years ago.

Nowadays, I’m almost okay with ordering take out (or take away) from one restaurant with two different names – Bombay Night if you order Indian or George’s Pizza if you order pizza. It’s never a gourmet experience, but it isn’t that bad!

And of course, there is The Curry. I’m on board! Good Yorkshire curry is fantastic. It’s up there with the best I’ve had – and I’m not ashamed to admit that it’s superior to any (Indian) curry I’ve had in Melbourne. I’m going to miss it a lot.


The telly

There’s nothing better than a Thursday night in, laughing at politicians in Have I Got News For You… okay, well maybe a night in doing any of the following is just as good: watching QI and failing to take in any of the quite interesting facts, giggling at funnies in Would I Lie To You, cringing over awkward musicians in Never Mind the Buzzcocks, swearing at the brats in the Junior Apprentice, guessing at obscure stats in 8 Out of 10 Cats, or having a big laugh and a pint or two in front of Total Wipe Out, You Have Been Framed, or Harry Hill’s TV Burp …

Yes, I am most definitely a fan of British television. And I’m obviously not talking about The Bill, Eastenders, or BBC period dramas. It’s the panel shows I love most. I think it’s because the comedians are funnier. Or, because there are more of them… I don’t know why, but Aussie panel shows just don’t compare.

Other

I have a few other favourite British things that I’ve failed to go into detail about… but I must give them a mention! They are: Banoffee pie, Shaun Keaveny’s BBC 6Music Breakfast show, BBC 6Music, British pubs, Stephen Fry, Davina McCall, Geordie accents, Cath Kidston, Lauren Laverne, James May, Chicken Balti pasties, Green grass, Autumn leaves, Restaurant vouchers, Cheap flights, Derren Brown, Late night onion rings

Goodbye

So, it’s almost time for me to leave cold England. I will miss it. – Probably even more than I expect to. To my family and friends over here, thank you so very much for making my time here enjoyable. It wouldn’t have been the same without you. Come and visit me while I’m in Israel, or when I’m back home in Melbourne.

And in the words of Laura Marling…
I will come back here, bring me back when I'm old
I want to lay here forever in the cold.
I might be cold but I'm just skin and bones
And I never love England
More than when covered in snow.

Jamie T isn't a Ronnie Wood believer

I was always suspicious that perhaps Jamie T wasn't really a Ronnie Wood believer. Turns out he's running with believers. Damn.

I can't be the only one who misheard - and really wanted - these lyrics (Sticks n Stones).

Welcome to the Cockpit, Lisa Mitchell

Lisa Mitchell covered her face with her hair as she walked through the crowd and on to the stage. I couldn’t help thinking ‘Oh dear, I don’t want to spend the entire gig watching her stare at the floor’. I had nothing to worry about.

The 19 year old Australian’s stage presence was perfect. She looked comfortable with the band, comfortable with the audience and she happily danced about to her brand of indie-folk-pop.

Lisa made several sweet attempts to interact with the somewhat tough audience. Most of the crowd laughed loudly at her quips, a favourite was ‘Welcome to the Cockpit. I like saying that.’

I can’t help thinking that some of the laughter came from audience members who, like me, were trying to compensate for the obnoxious behaviour coming from a loud fellow at the front. Either way, Lisa did a great job of performing for an audience that were mostly only familiar with a handful of her songs.

Everyone had the chance to sing along with their favourite songs, from her debut album Wonder.

Neopolitan Dreams – most famous in the UK for being the song in the Surf laundry advert, and most famous in Australia for being the first hit from the wide eyed 16 year old who didn’t win Australian Idol – was hugely popular. – As was a great cover of Dire Straits’ Romeo and Juliet.

When the lights were turned on and the show was over, Lisa and the band began to make their way off stage, though the crowd. Until an enthusiastic fan caught their attention by shouting out and waving a Wonder album cover in the air.

“Lisa! Lisa! Will you sign this for me?”

“Um, yeah, sure”, she answered and paused to sign it, while the crowd stood around and admired her modesty.

Overall, it was a tidy and enjoyable show from Lisa Mitchell and her band. I was impressed not only by her talent, but also by humility.

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Lisa Mitchell performed at the Cockpit in Leeds, on Sunday 7 March 2010. She has recently been awarded Australia’s answer to the Mercury Music Award: the Australian Music Prize.